Life or a Facsimile Thereof

www.Socrates.com

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 20:38:40 GMT

We've been working hard to optimize Socrates www.socrates.com. This site posed a lot of challenges at first, but we've worked hard with the Director of Marketing and the VP to focus on the strategy. The Socrates site was barely optimized after it's new web launch, but we were led down a path to optimize for generic terms. These guys have been GREAT to work with!

After a week of data and input we've decided to focus on more specific terms. After all, who really looks for a divorce or bankruptcy kit under "legal forms?"

Socrates also scores a 95.5 on the 100-point Website Grader scale - www.websitegrader.com

Also - a note on the Buzz Entertainment Magazine website - www.buzzentertainmentmagazine.com - the SEM campaign has been very successful, driving over 35% of traffic to their site.

Search Engine Marketing

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:25:09 GMT

I've been working with several clients lately on their search engine marketing campaigns, with mixed results.

One of the first campaigns is for Dramatic Weight Loss - www.dramaticweightloss.com in Atlanta. These guys have a solid campaign based on "weight loss" and several other keywords we've focused their website upon. The difficulty I have with these guys is that people have to call and schedule an appointment before they can buy online, so I can't accurately track their conversions (yet). I've really enjoyed working with Scott, Robin, Max and Dr. Mansfield the last few months. Their ads average between a 1 and 2 ranking. Their goal has always been to be number in the Atlanta market, They are very excited about what they do. I even went on their program and lost 36 pounds!

Recently we launched Buzz Entertainment Magazine. Buzz has been a difficulty because of the general name of the site and the frequency of the content updates. They also chose one of the longest freaking URLS I've ever worked with - www.buzzentertainmentmagazine.com. Since there was already a Georgia Tech Buzz and several other "Buzz Magazines" we've focused less on brand recognition and more on what the site does. We created multiple campaigns, each focused on a different section of the website. The Atlanta calendar of events campaign has been the most efficient, with a CTR over 7%. We were forced to reduce the monthly budget but we've managed to draw close to the same number of clicks by optimizing the website and focusing on the content. The editor, Jeyme, has already had a lot of experience with SEM while she was at citysearch so the process has been relatively painless.

I have another client I can't mention, but they are a legal forms seller, similar to legalzoom.com, and they have required the most help. From updating page titles, to editing incorrect metadata, to re-building the front page, to focusing on their top-selling SKUS in the Marketing campaigns, this has been the msot challenging project we have worked on. The client is thrilled with our work, but I can't wait until they are generating revenue beyond what their best months, back in 2008...

Brandon

Tennessee Football: Staying the Course

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:59:16 GMT

Tennessee football fans - what did you expect?!

A lot of fans expected Lane Kiffin to come in with his magic mouth and wave his magic wand and Tennessee, with its pro coaching staff, would suddenly transform into an 8-4 or 9-3 team. But after Saturday's 26-22 loss to Auburn, the cold, hard reality that Tennessee just isn't that good has finally settled in.

At this point in the season, many people had penciled in a win for the UCLA and Auburn games. The measuring stick of success was Auburn, another 5-7 program who had fired a revered coach in Tommy Tubberville and replaced him with Gene Chizik, the polar opposite of Lane Kiffin, a quiet coach content to stay out of the media spotlight.

So what is the difference in a 5-0 Auburn team and a 2-3 Tennessee team? It's simple: Auburn has a serviceable quarterback who has matured and won't lose games. UCLA, with a freshman quarterback in tow, managed to do enough NOT to lose. Jonathan Crompton, the poster boy of all of Tennessee's current woes, has played ineffectively and put Tennessee in a one-dimensional position where opposing defenses can line up 8 in the box and not worry that they will be beaten with the pass.

So has Lane Kiffin been a failure in his short tenure as Vol head coach? No, but he hasn't been a rousing success, either. The 2009 campaign is more of a testament to Phil Fulmer's recruiting over the past few years. It doesn't matter who is coaching. Even Vince Lombardi would have a hard time winning in the SEC with Jonathan Crompton as his starter.

So, will Kiffin’s mediocrity begin to erode his recruiting efforts? Possibly, but it's too early to hang Kiffin. No matter where you are, fans are always going to clamor for the backup if the starter is playing poorly, but not one, but TWO coaching staffs have determined that Crompton gives the Vols a better chance of winning over Nick Stephens, which says very little for Stephens, or Nick Lamaison. After five games, Kiffin's biggest issue has been the inconsistency in his play calling, regardless of Crompton's issues. Kiffin's game plan was first challenged publicly by Urban Meyer, who didn't believe the Vols were playing to win. Despite only a 10-point loss, the Vols never truly challenged the Gators, opting for runs on 3rd-and-long situations.

Kiffin's pass-happy game plan versus Ohio also puzzled most Vol fans as the Vols abandoned a successful running game in the first half while Crompton slung the ball all over the field. Realizing this approach was not successful, the Vols went back to a run-oriented attack and won a game that never should have been as close as the 34-23 score showed.

Against Auburn the Vols opened with a wildcat formation and Freshmen Nu'Keese Richardson ran for over 4 yards on the first offensive play of the game. Why didn't the Vols attempt this package again later in the game, instead abandoning it completely? Just like Ohio, the Vols were much more pass-happy than in previous weeks. Sure this kept the defense from stacking the line, but with receivers dropping the football like it was molten lead, and Crompton as inaccurate as he was, did it matter?

Most fans look at the Vols schedule and see Vandy, Kentucky and Memphis as probable wins. That leaves the Vols one win short of 6, and a shot at a non-losing season. That means Tennessee needs to find a way to win against Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina, or Ole Miss, with Georgia the leading candidate for a victory. A 6-6 or 7-5 season would keep Tennessee's streak of back-to-back non-losing seasons intact. The Vols last had two back-to-back losing seasons 98 years ago when they went 3-5-1 in 1910 and 3-4-2 in 1911.

If the fans are going to give Kiffin the time he needs to recruit and play the players he wants in his system, then Kiffin needs to show more consistency in his game plan and play-calling. Casual fan expectations were high but at this point in the season the Vols record is a very strong indicator of where they are as a team. The Vols aren't an 8-4 team and they never were.

Kiffin can win at Tennessee; he just may not be able to win this season, or next.

Santa Pub Crawling...err Skate!

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:24:41 GMT

This past Saturday was the 2008 Atlanta Santa Pub Crawl in Midtown and the first year I participated. Basically, you dress up as Santa and visit a handful of different bars throughout Midtown.

Pack and I decided to do it, so I bought my Walmart Santa suit, cut the wig into a mullet, put on the roller skates, popped the "porn" shirt into my bag along with a pair of shoes, and away we went. Pack and I had already downed a good bottle of Pinot Noir before we ever made it to the first bar. We got to the bar right at 6:00pm, ready for a long night of drinking. Pack wore a black and red Santa hat while I went full-on roller Santa.

I got a few cheers from the Santas as I skated into the Leopard Lounge with Pack. I never knew so many people participated in this event. There was a ton of naughty elves and drunken Santas. Pack did his thing, finding the one pack of Elven cougars, and away we went.

We drank heavily for several hours at the Leopard Lounge then the Twisted Taco. It was ther that Santa put on his porn shirt for the masses, his porn star shirt patched with verious shots of porn women after the money shot. It was a success as well. Finally, we decided to live the Twisted Taco for Sutra...and that's when the night got crazy. I was thoroughly wasted, skating in the street as we hit Sutra. When we go in, it was wall-to-wall with people. The floor was wet from spilled drinks but it was so packed that whenever I was about to fall, someone broke my fall, and I managed to stay on my feet. I got a few more cheers as I downed drink after drink of double-shot Captain and Cokes. At one point I finally bit it, due to a spilled cocktail, but it was ok! HO HO HO! I was just holding on to consciousness as I tried to reach my goal of making it to Opera on the skates. It was going to be close, it was 10:45 and the club didnt open until 11.

Finally, I felt a firm hand grab me at Sutra and it was a bouncer. He told me I had to go. I was drunk but I wasn't belligerent or obnoxious, just filled with Holiday Cheer. I asked why I was being tossed and he said he'd tell me when I got outside. So I toe stop walked up the steps and out the side door. THe guard looked at me and said, "Dude, you were just knocking people over left and right. This isn't roller derby!" Oh yeah! Oops! There was another stop on the crawl that I had missed, Flip Flops, but I had lost Pack and the cougars and I also didn't know where the hell that bar was located.

So, I grabbed my bag and skated across the street and hopped in line for Opera, where I actually busted my ass for the first time. I had made it to my goal, so I finally took the skates off. I jsut sat on the ground, in line, wasted, as I put on my shoes and tried to not lose anythng out of my bag. Security told us there was a special line of the Santa Pub Crawl and away I went, through the side door at Opera, ready for more Holiday debauchery. I was lucky that Kevin Dispain was DJing outside, so I had a place to lay my bag and chill for a bit. I had to take a breather because I wasn't going to make it at the rate I was going.

I drank a water and cooled off a bit and disappeared through the mass of people; dry-humping, booty shaking, and just plain out dirty dancing with anyone who wanted to dance with a naughty Santa. It was at this point that I realized I had lost my mullet wig so I just put on my cap, got on stage, and danced like Santa is supposed to: hot and nasty!

The night ended with Pack, his elven cougar, and I hailing a cab out front. Luckily my man, J-Luv was loading his minivan in front of the club and he gave us and the cougar a ride home. Sometimes it's good to be the Santa!

The Thanksgiving Weight Loss Blog

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 20:48:23 GMT

It's my favorite time of the year! Thanksgiving!

Why? Because every year I go home and see all of the family and eat the hell out of some turkey and dressing. We also take a lot of photos so I can gauge how I've done over the past year. Well, I'm going to be honest, the Thanksgiving pix this year may not be that flattering to me!

I've probably gained 20 pounds this year. Now, before you read my excuses, please realize that exercise is very important to me. Without it, I'd be even further in the diet hole, but 2008 has had its challenges: from too many hours raiding dungeons and killing shit in World of Warcraft, to sports injuries, to finding a steady girlfriend who loves to cook.

Earlier this year I missed my "January - March exercise push," the time of the year where I spend more hours at the gym exercising and running, in preparation of Spring and Summer. Instead, I plopped down in front of my computer, playing the nerd-like game World of Warcraft with my fellow geeks, nerds, lard asses, and derelicts. It was fun and I can't say I don't miss it, but that game is too antisocial and bad for the waist. I had just bought my first house and I stayed in more, saving money, and doing absolutely nothing constructive! That lasted about three months.

The next hurdle on my path to uber elite peak physical specimenship was all of my damned sports injuries. If I were a pro sports player, 2008 would've seen me on the Injured List with four minor injuries and most can be attributed to lack of warming up, or just not enough stretching. Right now I'm nursing a torn back muscle (lower lat). Two months ago it was a strained calf, for the third time this year.

Earlier this year I wrote about how I wanted to buy a bicycle and how I was going to run a triathlon. I began swimming laps, running more, and biking on the stationary bike. But something happened about 3 weeks before the race: I pulled a calf muscle on the treadmill. I know exactly how I did it. I tried to run too hard, too quick, too fast. I needed more time to stretch my calves. The injury felt like a rubber band popping. Why? I had to beat my current 2-mile time at 16:23! Instead, I could barely walk for 3-4 days and forget running, for at least a month. This was the left calf, opposite of my right calf which I had strained twice before; in January and May.

One would figure I would learn my lesson after the first or second time. Trust me, I don't touch a weight, elliptical machine or treadmill now, without at least stretching 10-15 minutes. Oddly enough, stretching is exactly how I tore my god damned back muscle! Sometimes, I just can't win for losing. Regardless, all of these injuries require time to heal, without exercise (or stretching). I guess that's what getting older is about: Icy Hot, Ben Gay, and cold baths before bed.

But besides that, I'm also not out running the streets all the time. I've found someone I want to spend my time with, so I do have to find new ways to motivate myself at the gym. Ashley and I have started to find ways to exercise together; working out at the condo gym, walking around Atlanta, wrestling with each other, sex, etc. etc… Right now we're re-focusing on how we cook and eat at the house. My weakness has always been sweets. In the past, I just didn't buy them, and I bypassed the issue of self-control. Ashley likes sweets but she has self-control. A package of cookies might last a month with her. With me they last about as long as it takes for me to find out we have them.

Now, with all of this said, I'm not completely out of shape. I just happen to be like Plaxico Burress and Allen Iverson; I don't like to practice. I assure you I can still knock the living shit out of something, or lift 300+ pounds, if necessary…and I could run that triathlon I was training for, if I had to. Luckily, I don't!

So Thanksgiving should be great this year. I have one relative who had lap band surgery and has apparently lost 60+ pounds, so all eyes and praise will be on him. Fucking cheater! Actually, I'm proud of him. I just hope he doesn't have so much excess skin his neck looks like a vagina.

Maybe this is why I volunteered my company's "Waist Reduction Team." At first, I thought that meant I just couldn't throw away as much paper and shit but when they told me we had to reduce our BMI and weight, I was all over it. Imagine me as Jillian Michaels on The Biggest Loser! Not only am I going to lose weight but the whole goddamned office is going to shed some pounds! I'd prefer to be the militant drill instructor but I don't think that will work in our office. One of the big mamas will tell me to fuck off rather quickly if I take that approach.

So, as I type this at my computer, with my right hand, know that I'm pumping iron (30 lb dumb bell) with my left so I have a decent pump tomorrow when I show up at Aunt Pat's. This year I'm not wearing skin-tight clothes like two years ago. I'm planning to dazzle everyone with my style and beautiful girlfriend!

The Bodybuilding Competition

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 15:20:49 GMT

I went to my very first bodybuilding competition this past weekend in support of my friend, Amond, and while it was interesting, I think I have attended my last. Actually, if I never go again, it will be too soon.

I went to the Gwinnett Center for Performing Arts and spent $30 on my ticket and strolled in. I went by myself since my loser-ss, whipped-as-shit friend Win had backed out on me and it's typically hard to convince a date to go to a body building competition. I sat in my seat at approximately 7:03pm and for the next three hours I was forced to watch some of the most god awful shit I have ever seen.

Apparently there are many competitions; they have men, women, weight classes, age classes, amateur abd pro divisions, etc. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when they brought out the senior circuit to pose off and show their bodies. There's no reason a 65 year old man should be up on that stage in a god damned string bikini flexing his shaven, oiled ass. None what-so-fucking-ever!

I was stoked because I thought the women would be beautiful, toned, in shape, muscular but that was the minority. There were a handful of women who were fat and chunky without one single muscle showing through. Obviously those women wasted their entry money but why in the hell would someone enter a fitness contest if they weren't fit? And talk about ugly! Some of those women were uglier than a mud fence. It was just wrong. Actually, it all began to piss me off. I looked at my watch and it was 9:00pm and we were even close to Amond's event. Amond supported me when I skated in roller derby so I had to show my support for him.

The highlight of the first two hours was a 20-minute shit I too upstairs in the bathroom. When I returned to my seat, a couple pounds lighter, they brought out a lightweight division. I was at my breaking point. I had seen my share of shaven, oily black men flexing on stage. As I looked around I guess the crowd to be about 40% gay. How could I tell? The guys drooling were pretty obvious, but back to the lightweight division. These guys weren't muscular. They were just skinny as fuck. The guy that won looked more like a Holocaust survivor than a bodybuilder.

I was so relieved when they announced the light heavyweight division and Amond came out second. I had him pegged for first or second in the division. After the 2-minute pose routines and pose down was over he walked away with first. The reason I thought he might finish second was because he had more mass and density in his upper body and legs but his midsection wasn't as tight as "Nitro," his competition. During the pose downs I realized it was because Amond didn't know how to hold mis abdominal poses, or he didn't breath properly or whatever the hell it was, but he did have abs as good as the others, he just didn't show them in the best light.

I cheered loudly for Amond and as soon as he began to walk off the stage I was out of there, swearing that would be my last bodybuilding competition. At least as a spectator. I think Amond's convinced me that I have the perfect build for it. My problem is that I need to diet better and drop weight. He was about 220 before the contest (a few months out) and the day of the show he weighed-in at 189 pounds. After watching the guys up there I realized that genetically, I do have the proper build, which no amount of working out can give you. If I wanted to do it, I could probably place very well, but that would require me to shaved everything, buy a thong and flex in front of the queer massive. I mean, it's one thing to wear booty shorts at a roller derby but this takes it to another level! Besides, I'm not sure I could see myself at 189 pounds again. *LOL* The I might look like the holocaust victim!

Sunday Braves Tix

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 20:16:45 GMT

So far I'm 6-8 on the season but this Sunday I'll be heading to HELL at 1pm for the Diamondbacks/Braves game. I have an extra ticket if anyone's interested.

It's going to be hot as hell so prepare to sweat. Luckily the seats are in the Lexus level so we can run in for some A/C.

Clip from Roller Derby

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 18:24:55 GMT

Product Testing: Coppertone Spray-On Tanner

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 16:45:34 GMT

So once again in my narcissistic search to be bronze and not damage my skin, I found a new product on the shelves of Target that I had to try: the Coppertone spray-on Tanner.

It looks realistic for the most part but I've found a few drawbacks. For one, if you spray on too much, it may run a bit and once it dries it looks like dried shit running down your arm. But at least it's tanned shit running down your arm.

Also, it's easily spread but when you are single AND live alone, it becomes pretty obvious when 80% of your body is tan but your back is white as a ghost. You can even see exactly where I can't reach.

This stuff lasts about 5-6 days but when you exfoliate and sweat as much as me, you tend to have problems at the gym. My yellow towel was also a nice tan color by the time I was done the other night, and if I scrubbed hard enough, while sweaty, the shit wiped right off, making another uneven splotch all over my right arm, making that too look like someone had hunkered down and shat upon the short and long heads of the bicep.

I don't know why I bother. A few years ago it was Nair for Men. Now it's the spray-on tan. My callouses are even tan now. Actually, come to think of it, so is my cock...

Isn't it Funny

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 15:46:48 GMT

With all this shit about drugs and doping in sports, I find it ironic that there are two federations for body building and weight lifting. One tests, the other does not.

Go figure...

Maybe MLB can break it up into National (Natural) and American (Unnatural) Leagues! Maybe two different Tour De Frances! Au Naturel or, how do you say "Balls to the Wall" in French?

This still won't help Michael Vick. There is no professional dog fighting league, performance-enhancing drugs or not...

Men's Roller Derby This Sunday Aug. 5!!!

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 15:38:21 GMT

August 5th Championship artwork by Dave Cook

Championship Bout: Sunday, August 5th!

This is your LAST CHANCE to see roller derby in 2007!

Buy your tickets now, before it sells out!
Save $2 when you buy advance tickets at Criminal Records, or online!

Atlanta Rollergirls RockEm SockEm 2007 Championship Bout
Authentic Women's Flat-Track Roller Derby Action!

MALE roller derby exhibition as half-time entertainment! See Sharc kick ass!

Doors open at 6pm
Action begins at 7pm

$10 in advance (see me if you need tix), $12 at the door
Free to Children 8 and under, and all uniformed EMTs.

... don't forget to bring your Sunday beer or burgers, because the tailgatin' will be ON!

Bout held at All-American Skating Center in Stone Mountain
For driving directions: www.Atlantarollergirls.com/directions

We've even got TWO carpool options with FurBus providing a safe ride to the bout!

The ITP bus is leaving from Brewhouse in Little 5 Points, and the OTP bus is leaving from American Pie on Roswell Road.
Pick up at 5:30pm / drop off around 9:30pm.
Tickets are $35 and include admission to the bout.
For more information: http://www.atlantarollergirls.com/furbus/

And don't forget the after party at Morris'!!!

Dancing With The Devil In The Pale Moonlight

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:56:02 GMT

Last night was a hilarious shadow of life seven years ago. There Win and I were in a hot, un-air-conditioned warehouse sweating our balls off to horribly bad techno music. The kicker is, we weren't even on drugs, I had a shot of Jager and two lukewarm beers.

After an hour of listening to the same repetitive shit I played five years ago we began dancing. No, not like really dancing, Win and I began doing every fucking dance from the past thirty years, and we did them horribly! It was great! At one point I was on all fours dancing like a dog on crack, faking a piss on a pillar. Why? Because I fucking can! Because life is too short to be goddamned serious all the time! Why not laugh at yourself?

There was even one point where I bent over, touched my toes, and just hopped around in a circle. Nobody gave a shit. I sure as hell didn't.

My only regret is that I didn't wear underwear. I had a severe case of swamp ass going by the time we left. Next time I'm bringing my roller skates and bunny rabbit ears, maybe even a taser...

As far as formal dancing goes, Nellie has asked me if I'd be interested in swing dancing with her. I'd do it in a heartbeat, it's just that I get so fucking hot!

Men's Roller Derby & Me

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:43:34 GMT

Recently I've become a fan of the local Atlanta women's roller derby league. There's nothing more hot than seeing a bunch of bitches knock the shit out of each other on roller skates. I'm serious. It gets me hard! So I was one of the first to sign up when they announced they'd have a men's exhibition August 5th during the intermissions of the women's championship match.

I realized at our first practice that all those years I spent at the local skating rink had paid off. Most of the bastard can barely skate. I looked like a man amongst men, even on shitty-ass rental skates. And damn I can be downright intimidating at 235 pounds and one of the fastest guys out there.

One of the girls pulled me aside after the first practice and said, "sweetie, I think you're gonna be a superstar." That's like telling Muhammad Ali you think he could box!

I've been practicing twice a week for the past two weeks and I should have my own skates sometime within the next week. Once that occurs there's going to be hell to pay for any who oppose The Sharc!

I'd love for any of you guys to come watch us August 5th. It's at All-American Skate Rink in Stone Mountain and will be well worth the price of admission!

Karma...

Mon, 21 May 2007 20:49:21 GMT

I dumped the good girl for the bad girl. The bad girl dumped me because she's a bad girl... I think. She just stopped calling. If you tell someone you're going to do something, do it because I damn sure aint chasing your ass down. My time's too valuable!

Oh well, which one of you LJ honeys needs a date? *lol* Please let me know if you are a good girl or bad girl in advance so I can plan accordingly.

You Know It's A Wild Date When...

Mon, 07 May 2007 20:11:52 GMT

...Your date asks if she can leave her pistol in your car.

Saturday my date & I went to the Braves game. When we parked she asked if they would search her purse or look inside to which I replied yes. She had a funny look on her face so I asked her what the problem was.

"Nothing, but can I, uh, put my pistol in your glove compartment."

"Sure," I said. "Place it right behind my flask."

Name That Animal!

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 14:44:11 GMT

I found out that if I raise $1,000 for the Atlanta Humane Society I can name one of their animals. This could be a cat, bunny, or dog.

I think it would be funny as hell if I raised $1,000 and one "Dickhead." I can see it all now, a family comes in to adopt a pet and finds my named critter.

"Oh mom! Look at the cute little bunny! Can I see him?"

"Oh, you wanna hold Dickhead? OK," says the volunteer.

"Oh Dickhead is so cute!Mom, Please can I keep Dickhead? PLEASE!"

"Uh, lets look at other animals...Here's a cute little kitty. What's her name?"

"Fuck Face. Apparently Brandon Woodson raised $2,000."

Did I Do That?! Shit Attack @ RMP!

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 07:05:04 GMT

Saturday I broke from my diet and knocked back a few plates at the local Chinese Super Buffet. They add the word super when they put macaroni and chicken tacos on the buffet bar. This super buffet also has crawfish, a real Asian delicacy I’ve been told. The food was good but it definitely did a number on my stomach.

I went to the gym with Win (aka Fornicatius aka Dipshit) but I had to cut my workout short so that I could drop off my CDJs and eat dinner with Angel Alanis and my friends Patrick and Steffi. Once Win and I dropped off the CD players we all headed to Rocky Mountain Pizza which is located near the Georgia Tech campus.

I hadn’t been sitting for more than five minutes when my stomach turned upside and I had a hardcore shit attack. My sides were aching, my ass was puckering and I was almost scared to try to get up and walk to the restroom. I was scared. I finally sucked it up, held my breath and excused myself from the table and waddled as fast as my puckered ass would let me.

When I reached the restroom what I found looked like a fucking horror movie. There was at least a half-inch of overrun shit water on the floor, with matching matted toilet paper. Some asshole had also pissed all over the toilet seat. I was running out of time though. My stomach, and consequently my ass, was a ticking time bomb. I tried to wipe down as much as I could but I had to be careful to hold my pants up so they didn’t touch the ground and also hover over the toilet.

As I stood there hovering, I exploded. I didn’t just explode, I BLEW THE FUCK UP! It was horrible yet I felt so much better! I just stood there hovering for a couple minutes in disbelief. Then I turned around…

As I saw what I had done I began to grow red and embarrassed. I had MISSED THE GOD DAMN TOILET! There was shit on the seat, on the back of the toilet, on the porcelain top, on the walls, on the floor! I began sweating I was so embarrassed! I tried to wipe as much as I could but it only exacerbated the situation. Finally, I gave up and tried to get out as quick as I could without anyone seeing me.

As soon as I exited the restroom I found the closest waitress and pulled her aside. I told her that their bathroom was absolutely disgusting and she should probably get someone in there to clean it up.

That has to be my top worst moment in public shits ever. The moral of the story is leave the god damned Chinese Super Buffet ALONE!

All's Well That Ends Well

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 05:17:02 GMT

I go through phases where I really don't feel like typing out my thoughts. Amazingly though, I'll hit a spurt and catch up.

Life in Atlanta has been boring lately. Oh, it's my own choice, I guess, I've been trying to save a bit, and the nightlife just doesn't do it for me right now. I met a sweet girl that I ended up dating about four or five months, but sometimes you can't force things. Plus, I'm not the kind of person that's very understanding and kind to those who are supersensitive... yeah yeah, most of you reading this are probably recalling some jack ass moment where I was a rude, obnoxious prick. Actually, I am too...

I hit a wall recently with DJing. It became less a hobby and more a profession. Not good. I ended up in an argument with one of my best friends over money. I'm also to a point where I just don't see paying $10-12 a piece for vinyl records when I should be able to buy them for $.99-$2 a download. I was looking at the record collection the other day and I don't want a collection. I just want good tunes. I collect Amazing Spider-Man comics. That should be enough! I also am tired of rehashed tracks. I don't find it as endearing or enjoyable as I did 4-5 years ago. I love DJing, but I hate the fucking politics and drama.

I wish the Braves were doing better this season, but shit in one hand and wish in the other ans see which one fills up first...

Woohoo

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 15:21:37 GMT

I'm headed to the Symphony tonight! Yes, I'm trying to expand my horizons, and of course, there's a pretty lady involved.

I'm nervous as hell because I've never met her before as we met online, on myspace, so I hope she really is female! *lol* But seriously, we've talked a couple times and I think she's interesting. At the same time, she's the first person that's peaked my interests since Lil Miss Shithead. I'm debating on whether I want to take her to the Drive-in, afterwards, but we may not have time.

Speaking of which, she still has Gypsy, but when I move into my new apartment on the 28th of the month, I will be able to keep the Puddin Dog much much more. Plus, I work 2 minutes from my place so I can check in on her during the day.

Oh yeah, I found a great new job: Interactive Project Manager for a Design House! It's not what you know, but who you know!

I'm curious how many people on here actually prefer LJ to Myspace?

B

ATLANTA

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 09:35:50 GMT

I dont update this thing enough since I use myspace.

Uhh, I'm moving back to Atlanta today.

I'll officially be back Friday night.

Ft. Myers

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 09:20:10 GMT

I have my fingers crossed. Next Wednesday I fly to Ft. Myers for a job interview with a rival company. If things go well I could be living on the beaches of Florida within a month!

Letter To Rita

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 09:30:45 GMT

Ahh, It's 3:14pm and I'm watching the Log Lady give Laura Palmer advice before she goes over the edge in Twin Peaks. I'm sitting in my skivvies in my living/computer/dining room efficiency bored out of my fucking skull in this little burgh.

Work aint much better than the last time we spoke. oh yeah, I went to HR and suddenly I'm in the new Management Development Program. I'm leery to say the least. It just sounds like an excuse to load me down with more shit.

I met a girl... she was a lesbian... she didn't call me back... I wonder why?

I met another girl... she's 19...beautiful blue eyes, dumb as a rock! I didn't call her back. I wonder why? *blech*

Well at least I have my new 52" TV! And internet access! But damned if there isn't a 24-hour gym in this shithole little village. I'm by far the youngest person I've met in my apartment complex. Truth be told, I think I've moved into a convalescent home, but no one bothered to tell me. Every night when I get home I think I'm supposed to have a bed check or something.

I swear the old lady on the 11th floor is gonna blow the fucking place up one day. She sits in her wheelchair in the foyer all day long, breathing oxygen and smoking Virginia Slims. If I hear a large *KABOOM* one day I'll know exactly what the fuck it is.

Did I tell you I havea stand-up of Elvis in my apartment? Not the old Elvis! The young, good-looking Elvis! He's in a gold suit! I think I may name my firstborn Elvis.... William Elvis Woodson! Doesn't that have a Southern twang to it?

How's work? Harassed anyone lately? Did I spell that right? H-A-R-or is that another R-A-S-S? Oh well, I forget and spellcheck is a five inches and a mouseclick away.

Do you keep up with your exes? I was thinking about my exes today. I wonder if any are dead? or single.. or still attractive... or still female? There was one I began to wonder about, but that's another story...I'm rambling, just lemme roll with it. I had one ex who I met on match.com. She was great for the latenight schnogging, but then her boyfriend moved from Florida so she had to break it off. She was great in the sack.. I wonder whatever happened to her and her cat, Leroy?

I think I'm going ot save this e-mail. I amuse myself sometimes with stream-of-(un)consciousness.

So what about you up there in the great Northeast? Is your friend moving in January?

Oh yeah, my gal, Laura Palmer is now naked on TV! *woohoo*

Well, I guess i'll holler at ya later!

Brandon

The Mirror & The Angel

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 08:31:39 GMT

For years I have written non-fiction in my journals. Most of it was pretty good... I think.

Recently I've had a bit of a writer block. I wasn't as in tune to the world as I was.

Last week I finished reading a wonderful book of short stories by Neil Gaiman. It started my mind wandering again. I began to feel that block lifted, but this time I want to go in a different direction. That's not to say I won't write more true stories, but for now I'd like to go somewhere else...

Two days ago everything seemed normal, like any other day at the rental car company, but it wasn't.

It was after midnight at the Jackson airport and I was the only person left in the rental car area. The others had clocked out and gone home about an hour earlier, leaving me, the salaried manager, to make sure enough vehicles were prepped and cleaned in order to meet the early morning rush. I didn't mind. I backed a brand new Uplander to the fuel island and was cranking DJ Dan's mixed CD, Tilt, and was washing away.

Most of the vehicles were new as it was a Wednesday night and almost all of our cars were on the road. There were only five cars on the lot left to clean so I grabbed the closest, a silver Impala, which had been returned right before we closed earlier that evening at 10p.m.

The normal process for cleaning a vehicle with my company is relatively simple; wash the front, vacuum the car, wash the windows, check the fluids, fill it with gas and run it through the car wash. It's a process that takes fewer than ten minutes per car when you're in a hurry.

The Impala was practically new, with less than a thousand miles, I knew it would be a quick turnaround since it had little garbage inside. I popped the trunk of the Impala and brought the vacuum around to suck out anything the previous renter may have left when I saw a jagged-edged gold-tinted mirror inside. The mirror wasn't quite two feet across or three in height, but it has an aura unique and all of it's own.

As I carefully removed the mirror from the trunk of the car, I caught a glimpse of something in the mirror. I turned around but nothing was there. Surely I had seen something? I looked back in the mirror and there he was, no more than ten feet away from me, hovering two feet off the ground. Immediately I recognized my guardian angel. He looked a lot like myself, but his hair was lighter and longer and his eyes were almost translucent they were so light. His complexion was also quite pale and he had a bushy beard with several years of growth.

"Well, I didn't expect to meet you this early in my lifetime," I said, not expecting him to answer.

"Well, I didn't expect you to find a magical mirror to reveal me, either, mister smart ass," the angel smirked.

I hit the shut off button to the large vacuum and locked the gas pump. I picked up the mirror and began to walk into the office. I could still see him in the mirror so I motioned for him to follow me inside so we could have a conversation. While no one else was left but myself, there were still other employees who worked at the airport who might think something odd if they witnessed me carrying on a conversation with no one at the gas pumps.

"So, now what?" I asked. "I assume you know who I am. It's only fair you introduce yourself."

Like something appearing out of the fog, the seraph appeared before my very eyes and smiled and said, "I'm afraid you'll no longer need the mirror, Brandon. But hello, and if you clear your mind, you'll know my name."

"Dick? Dick is that you?! Oh Dick! I've always wanted a guardian Dick!"

"Now you know why you're thirty-seven and still single mister smart ass! No! My name is not Dick! No it's not Harry or Claude! My fucking name is Brandyn as well you tool! Why can't you ever be serious? Did you ever think if you'd apply your wit and charm to something constructive instead of a stupid joke where you might be?"

I looked at Brandyn, my namesake, and began to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. Not only had I seen my guardian angel, to which I didn't even believe in (Hell! I'm agnostic for heaven's sake!) but he was a foul-mouthed sharp-tongue like myself!

"Point taken, " I said, "So what now? Are we going to be bosom buddies? Are you going to tell me my innermost secrets or things I never knew? Was Jenny Snodgrass really sick that time in high school? Or are you going to sacrifice me to some unknown god I don't believe in?"

"Well, it's all up to you, you see. I can tell you anything you want to know but I'm not omniscient, or omnipresent, or even the most knowledgeable angel within a thousand yards. Yes Jenny was so sick, and after you stopped calling she got hooked on pills and her life went down hill. After she got cleaned up she always thought about you and how mad you were at her and how you wouldn't call her back and she went out and found the first guy who wouldn't trust her and married him. They were married for three years, until he killed her one night, drunk, in a fit of rage and violence. Feel better buddy? I got plenty more to tell you if you want to hear it, Mister Class-Act. But no, I won't sacrifice you to an unknown god, you know him quite well, and by the time I'm done with you, you'll sacrifice your self."

I looked around the office and found a pair of pliers laying on one of the desks. One of the other managers had left them out while attaching license plates to the cars earlier in the day. They were supposed to be locked away after use, but people rarely do that around the office. I picked the dirty pliers up and smashed the golden mirror to bits. By the time I was done, there wasn't a piece large than an inch wide. And Brandyn was gone as well.

I swept up the pieces, turned off the lights, and closed the office for the evening. I took the garbage, and the pieces of mirror, to the garbage bin and went home for the evening. As I drove home I kept looking in the mirrors for another glimpse of Brandyn, but he was gone, gone for good.

This morning I found myself at St. Pious XXII Catholic Church. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but nevertheless, I went. I didn't feel any better after I left, but drawing the mustache and bushy beards on the angels in the painting in the foyer did give me some satisfaction.

Promotions Rule/Promotions Suck

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 01:39:03 GMT

I earned a promotion. It's lateral in title, but it;s a decent pay raise. PLus I'm going ot a location where I'm going to earn a lot of bonus checks! A LOT!

The only problem is I'm transferring to Jackson, MS. I've been here two weeks on loan from Nashville but I interviewed and accepted the job today. I get relocation costs and all kinds of shit.

It's been great down here. I get a per diem of $45 to eat on every day! The ladies at Outback and Red Lobster know me well. PLus I've been living in a Red Roof Inn. The maids clean my room and even do my laundry!

But then again, It's Jackson.

Oh well... You win some, you lose some!

I should only be here 6-12 months before I move onwards and upwards again. We'll see...

Atlanta Shenanigans

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 17:55:37 GMT

Damn I miss Atlanta! Last weekend reminded me why.

Thursday Miss Supa & I went to the Braves game. The seats were greatr, 21 rows on the third base side. We almost caught a foul ball... until I pussied out and tried ot catch it on the bounce. I was never worth a shit at catching flies in little league so, at the last second I just let it bounce. A guy in the seat in front of us got the ball. I saw Gypsy and Frances. Frances has cut her hair in a funny 90's feathered heavy metal do. It's hard to explain. Gypsy and I went for a ride. She's my little girl dog and I miss her a lot. I also saw cobradoll at Transit, someone I hadn't seen in months. In case you're reading Miss Caroline, I still think you are beautiful. *smooch*

Friday I picked Gypsy up and we took a nap together. When I brought her back to Frances' house they were having a keg partry. Frances was in Florida, so I had a few drinks. I scared the living shit out of porr Jack just by being there. A few months ago I threatened to kill Jack and I guess he hasn't forgotten about that. LoL

Later I played 80's at the Mark. The place wasn't packed, and most people were listening to Noel Sanger, but I still had fun. I saw Lee Ann for the first time in a while.

Saturday I was supposed to go to Knoxville for the game, but I woke up and the game was already on TV so I said fuck it. Chad and I saw Grizzly man, a documentary on this crazy guy who lived with the Grizzly bears in Alaska... until they ate him.

Afterwards we wen to the Compound. We pounded Grey Goose and Red Bull all night, watched some excellent displays of lesbianism, danced with many beautiful women, and I kissed a midget!

There were two midgets who were there having fun. They were crotch-high on Leslie, the promoters' girlfriend, so I told her to go crotch thrust the male midget. She was trashed and went over and instead of a slwo grind, she started pounding the poor guy int he face, almost knocking him over. It was hilarious.

Later I was talking to his girlfriend outside and gave her a kiss. So now I guess I can scratch that off of my things-to-do list.

While we were leaving these three hot women came up and asked us if we would give them a ride to their car. I told one she was pretty cute. She said, "Yeah, you're really cute too!"

So I said, "Come over here and give me a kiss."

After she'd puckered up and kissed me I looked at her and said, "I'm sorry honey but I didn't drive."